Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What a hard way to travel...

Well I have finally made it past the half way mark and thought that it would never happen!! Finally at the 31 weeks mark and on my way to the 32 weeks mark with its 4D ultrasound. YAY! I really can't wait to see this little guys face! I have been needing this for quite a while. This has been the hardest pregnancy! I'm sure not only for me but for my little guy, Brahm, whos been waiting it out inside a mess of a Momma carrier. Over 7 months ago, I was switched to a medication that was supposed to be better for the baby and it turned out that it was terrible for MOMMA!

As hard as it is to sit and admit to my followers, I'm going to go ahead and toss it out there. I have in the last month, been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety and Severe Panic Attacks. The meds that I was given around November of 2010 (to make things safer) turned out to be toxic to my system. I wasn't aware that they don't treat anxiety and panic attacks and can more often than not...cause them and magnify them as well. I have been on a medication for about 7 years or so that has helped keep all of this at bay because as a teenager, I would have attacks that were so severe that I would look like I was having seizures and need immediate medical attention.

One night last month, my body let me know just how dangerously close to the edge that it was. I went into an extreme panic and had attacks coming within minutes and even seconds from the last. I was up that night for hours in a fetal position, rocking myself, crying for my husband to not go to sleep and just hold me tight because something was very wrong with me. I begged him to take me to a hospital because of how distraught I was. I couldn't clear my head of racing thoughts and was shaking violently. I tried splashing water in my face and smacking my cheeks to try and wake myself up from this horrible nightmare. It was the scariest moment of my life by far. My husband stayed up with me all of that night and told me just to hang in there until morning so that he could get me to our actual doctor rather than some random ER doctor that I wasn't familiar with.

8 O'clock couldn't come fast enough!!

I was exhausted! I went in to speak with my doctor's office Talk Therapist (whom I had never seen before). I just needed to talk to someone who I thought could help me figure out why my mind was sooo jumbled. She suggested that I go into an outpatient program. I jumped at the chance for anything or anyone to help, no matter what it meant. I just wanted to be able to get back to "the old me". I wanted to be able to go home and play with my daughter and be a wife again, rather than the zombie that I had been slowly turning into within the last few months. I felt so guilty that my family had lost me for over half of a year and I was ready to be back...not only for them but for this new lil bundle of joy. Whatever it took, I was willing to do it for me and for THEM.

So now, with different meds that I keep closely monitored and more talking through the things that cause my anxiety and stress instead of stuffing them down and ignoring them...things are slowly getting better. It's been an extremely hard road to travel but with each bad day, I know its another step towards recovery. My slogans have become..."It's gotta hurt before it can heal.", "As uncomfortable as it is to face it...it will be that much more uncomfortable to stuff it down and let it overload me." and "From now on... I CHOSE ME!" It's amazing how much saying those things can help bring you back to reality. I'm not saying that I'm healed by any means because it's a really hard struggle and I DO have my "off" or "down" days but it's a process and it took months and in some cases, years to do this damage. So I can't expect to be 100% overnight.

So wish me luck and keep me and mine in your thoughts and prayers.

No comments: